Journal Of Clint Barton
by AvengerOfFiction
Summary: Things weren't all what they seemed after New York for Clint. Clint can't remember much of anything. Where he lives, What day he was born on, his wife and kids. He hardly remembers anything besides Natasha, and it's up to her to find a way to help Clint, even if that entails going against Shield to do it. Rated T for Language and some mental breakdowns.
1. May 10th

May 10th

I don't want to do this. But for some reason doc thinks it's a great idea… ugh, I might as well get today over with.

Today was, well, rough. People think that they know what it feels like. To have someone in their head is just some walk in the park. Well, it's not. It sucks… I really don't know how to put it better.

You may think that the worst part would be the actual point where there was an actual god in my brain. But you would be wrong; the worst part in not remembering your last name or where you live, how to even tie your own fuckin' shoes.

All day people have come up to me and started talking. I mainly just stare at them before they actually realize that I don't know who they are, it's not easy.

Today Nat came up to me and for the life of me I couldn't remember her name. I think I scared her when I did it because afterwards she made me take the Test.

Oh, well while I'm here I might as well tell you about the Test. It's basically hell on earth. First let me tell you what the Test is testing. It tests memory and cognitive re- … re- well it test how fast I can remember stuff. And let me tell you that I get almost 85% every time. I don't think that they understand that my speed is fine. It's my actual memory that is messed up.

But first they have you sit down in this chair that might've been used to actually torture people, it's really that uncomfortable. then they stick a whole bunch of wires in your wrist. they then tell you ten things about a person, like where they live or how many cats they have, and then ask you to say it all over again after they are done... it's the worst. you then have to do this five other times.


	2. May 14th

May 14th

Doctor says that I have to write again. Well fuck you Mrs. Andrews. I told you that this book wasn't going to "bring something to light"! I am not the problem! The problem is that I had someone play hide-and-go-seek in my brain!

It's like having someone organize your kitchen for you while you're away. You can never find anything in the fucking mess!

Natasha left today. Said she had to deal with something that I should be doing. But can't because I wouldn't remember them.

Sometimes I wish that I wasn't so damn in the dark about everything! I mean, At least Nat told me what she was doing unlike everyone else on this stupid base.


	3. May 15th

May 15th

Well, nothing really happened today besides tests, tests and more tests… ugh. I am really getting tired of being told 'what do you see?' I usually say something along the lines of "your head with an arrow through it." They don't think it's funny… I hate doctors.


	4. May 17th

May 17th

Oops. I got in trouble for not writing yesterday… maybe the reason I didn't write was because I had nothing to say… *gasp* or maybe it's because Loki is still inside me and wants me to kill more people!

Dear Loki, all I ask is that you kill Dr. Andrews first.


	5. May 18th

May 18th

Natasha's back and she brought some lady with her. She was short, skinning, had brown hair and light brown eyes. Nat asked me if I remembered her. I said no, and then the lady said, "not at all?" I looked her over again and said, "Believe me, if I could I would, sweet heart" then gave her the old Hawkeye charm smile. She laughed a lot at that, and then left with Nat.

It's actually bothering me that I don't remember her. She seemed nice and maybe likes someone I would know well, or something. Maybe I should ask Nat for her phone number…

Nah, she was probably some Ex-girlfriend or something. I don't really want to dig up any dead bones.


	6. May 19th

May 19th

Well, I had a break through today. Yup, that's me, kickin' my own brain's butt! …wow. I can't believe I am actually getting excited about this. I mean, once you meet a guy like Nick, you kind of never forget.

It's something I guess… at least the Doctors finally understand that my head isn't on backwards anymore… idiots.

Doc says that I don't have to keep writing in this stupid thing, but if things keep going this smoothly then I could be out of here in no time! So, that's something to look forwards about… right?


	7. May 20th

May 20th

Yup, today is my last day in this hell hole.


	8. May 21st

May 21st

Okay, I guess it's today then.


	9. May 23rd

May 23rd

Hello? Still here and waiting to be let out… doctors can never be trusted. If a doctor ever tells you that you'll probably be okay then you better call your mom right then and there and say goodbye cause you are going to die in the next hour or so.


	10. May 30th

May 30th

Well, I am staying a lot longer than I thought.

I really don't know what happened to me… I guess you want to know, right? Well here's the story.

I was standing in line for lunch (which, by the way, sucked) and there was this guy behind me. The guy was, well… How do I put this… well, he looked like he killed people for a living. I was standing in front of him waiting for the line to move when something poked me in the ribs. I turned around and saw- for lack of a better word- monster-truck-of-a-man staring right at me. I turned back around and minded my own business, when he poked me, again. I turned around, this time with a scowl on my face and said, "Excuse me?"  
Then he looked at me with a blank stare and then said "you got a problem." … he looked at me like I had killed his parents or something.  
I said "no." then turned back around. Then he pushed me into the person in front of me…like a real jerk would do, an asshole, a real asshole.

So I grabbed his hand and broke all five of his finger, punched him in the gut and ribs about three times and then grabbed his neck and got ready to snap it.

Lucky for him he actually was a field agent; he knew how to get out of a chock hold. Her grabbed my arm then wedges his hands under my grip the pulled me over his head.

Let me tell you one thing; getting the wind knocked out of you sucks. It's feels like two grown men are sitting on your lungs. So when I tell you that I jumped right back up, then I would usually be lying. But this time I'm not.

"You son of a fuck!" Monster truck man said. He grabbed, or tried to grab, my leg. In his defense I had just cut off his air supply from getting to his brain. He probably didn't really know what was going on. In a matter of fact nether did I.

I kicked him right in the nose, stumped on his hand then jumped on his back and got ready to break his neck again. Luckily I was tackled to the ground before I was able to finish him…

You know what really bothers me? I don't feel a damn bit sorry for it. I just almost killed some dude and I don't even feel sorry about it.

 **Author's notes:**

thank you so much for the follows and Favorites and the Reviews! it means a lot to me that someone would even take the time to read it, much more to review and Favorite and Follow! you guys are awesome and I will try to update on a regular basis! thank you and I hope you likes this Chapter, even though they are small I have a plan on how things are going,and I think you like it!


	11. June 2nd

June 2nd

Everyone has been looking at me strange. I don't blame them though; I did almost kill someone in the cafeteria.


	12. June 3rd

June 3rd

Nat came back today… she heard what happened too. She walked right up to me then slapped me right in the face. She told me that the guy I killed was angry because when I was under Loki's control, I killed his partner. She said that he and I used to be friends, or at least could stand each other.

When she told me she looked me right in the eyes, like she was searching for something. I told her that I didn't know what I was doing. Like I didn't have control over what I did.

I know this is bad, but, I lied. I actually knew exactly what I was doing. But for some reason I did it anyway.


	13. June 5th

June 5th

They are moving me to some nut house. I really don't want to go, but I know that it's for the best. It's not safe for me to be around people that hate my guts.

Though, being at some kind on insane asylum doesn't sound all that inviting. Maybe I can talk them out of it, and just get moved to some safe house out in the woods out in Canada or something. No one actually lives in Canada, right? It's just like horses and snow.

I'm kidding! I know there are people in Canada. But, fun fact! The population of California is higher than all of Canada! Wild… to think that all that space is just sitting there… it's a great place.

I have gone on missions there. At least I think I did. I can't quite remember… but I do remember flashes of someone at the wrong end of the arrow, staring them down without them even seeing me with snow all over the ground and maple left signs all around.

It's amazing what I can do with a bow and arrow. I wish I could use one without a whole bunch of Agents coming after me.

Speaking of Agents; I found out by listening in on a conversation that the guy that I kicked the shit out of in the cafeteria is leaving shield… for good. Something about him not being able to work for them knowing that I am still working for the same agency.

I don't know if I would do the same, but I don't blame him. What I did to all those agents… I shouldn't be still on the pay role or have my badge.

Maybe I do deserve to go to that asylum.

 **Author's notes:**

so sorry I didn't post this sooner! I said to myself that I was going to post this later in the day, to give myself more time with my friend... but that kind of went on for a long time and then when she did go... I forgot that I was going to post... oops. well! it's here! and I will be posting two chapters tomorrow to make up for it! thank you again to my followers! it brings a smile to my face everytime I see that one of you have taken the time to review and complement me... you guys are just... AWESOME! and I shall reward you with the medal of being the best followers!


	14. June 6th

June 6th

Well, I'm packing up, packing light though, because I don't imagine that I will be having all that much room. Probably no bigger than a small cell. Only taking some books Natasha gave me that supposedly used to be my favorite books, some weird plaid shirts that I really have no interest in wearing, and this stupid journal. (Even though it would bring great joy to never see you again)

I don't know what I'm going to do with all these things. Maybe star at them until something clicks? Is that really what Natasha is expecting? For me to all of a sudden remembering everything?

They don't weigh a thing in my mind. Just some objects that I don't have any interest in reading, wearing or writing.


	15. June 7th: Moving day

June 7th: Moving day

Yup, moving day, you read that right. I don't really know what to expect at all.

I tell you what I don't expect. My memories…

I just can't imagine anything good coming out of me going to his weirdo, psych house.

But! I am totally okay if they do! It would be great not to trip over my words every time someone asks me if I remember them… I just- I can't think of it happening.

You know how sometimes you can imagine things happening? Like maybe someone taking a trip to a place that they have never been, or someone buying a new car? Well. It's like that, but with this you can't imagine it happening. I can't imagine a world where Clint Barton exists.

… Maybe I'm just missing something, but why do I get the feeling that no one would miss me if I would leave.


	16. June 8th

June 8th

The second I walked into this nut house I know that something was wrong with it. It was… too normal. I was just waiting for someone to start drooling or scratching themselves until they bleed. But, nothing like that happened… that is until I got past the front desk.

As soon as they showed the main floor, I knew that I was going to have oodles of fun in this place. Most of them look pretty normal, some with a scar on their face or head, but nothing I haven't seen before. But it was when I walked over to a group of people at a table that really got me really worried.

There was six of them in a circle, all dressed in white with a red collar around there wasn't hard to realize what that red tag meant after what happened.

As soon as they saw me, in the clothes I came in, they started shouting and then started running at me. I got in a fighting stance waited until they got close enough to start picking them off, one by one. Until I heard a buzzing noise coming from the guy closest to me. As soon as I heard it, he stopped, turned around, and walked back to the table he was at.

Those red tags mean they're dangerous… how long is it going to take me to snap, and get one of those tags around my neck?

Anyway! Enough of all that creepy stuff, right out of a bad horror game!

They have cells that you have to sleep in, and everyone has white clothes on. They didn't give me any but I think that's just because they forgot, if that tells you anything about the care in this place… I should probably try to get some rest, as I'm almost sure that I will wake up in the middle of the night because of the screaming that I was warned about.

Oh, before I go for the night, I should tell you. They don't actually allow you to take personal items with you to your cell. They have it all tucked away into a locker room, where you have to get a key from one of the nurses and then open it.

I guess that's not too bad… but for some reason I took this stupid book with me… tucked it in my pants before they saw me with it and then hid it under my blanket when I got to my cell. I mean, it wasn't hard, but it was fun to do something without someone noticing… I feel like I've been on eagle watch ever since I got to shield after New York… at least they aren't watching me in here. I mean, this a shield asylum… but I didn't see any cameras in the cells, so I should be good.


End file.
